Recommendation: Disney’s Three Musketeers

Admittedly, it’s a terrible adaptation of the source material. It is, however, a great historical(ish) action movie.

And, to be fair, there’s never been a good adaptation of The Three Musketeers.

Funny story: I distinctly remember that I watched this movie with my best friend when I was kid, but I remembered absolutely nothing about the movie itself until I stumbled across it on Disney Plus. And I was promptly ashamed of myself. This movie is great! How did I ever forget it?

The theatrical poster for Disney's Three Musketeers movie.
The Three Musketeers: Disney. Image via IMDB.

Admittedly, it’s a terrible adaptation of the source material. It is, however, a great historical(ish) action movie. And, to be fair, there’s never been a good adaptation of The Three Musketeers.

There are a lot of peculiarities with the book that make it hard to put on film.

For one thing, it was written (in French) in 1844 and set in the 1620s (in France), so there’s a lot of cultural and artistic tastes and preferences that have changed since then. For another, it’s not nearly as exciting as most adaptations make it out to be. It’s not really an action story.

Three modern fencers.
Eh. Close enough.
Photo by Artem Podrez on Pexels.com

Honestly, it’s more of a Ancien Régime-era spy novel. Basically, Cardinal Richelieu (a real person, by the way) is trying to do something dastardly to discredit the Queen, so he can manipulate the King, so he can beat up on Spain, and then the Musketeers do something clever to foil him.

It’s interesting, but it’s not big, exciting, in-your-face action.

Dressed in armour and clerical attire, Cardinal Richelieu stands on the wharf, observing ships and boats during the siege of La Rochelle.
Siege of La Rochelle: Henri-Paul Motte.
Public Domain. Via Wikipedia.

The other problem is that film isn’t the right medium to convey the novel’s greatest strength.

Clearly, there was something the style of French literature at the time that made sarcastic narration very popular, because The Three Musketeers has that in common with The Hunchback of Notre-Dame (which, incidentally, also has nothing in common with its Disney adaptation; no, seriously, everybody’s a jerk in the novel — except the goat — and then everybody dies).

The narration of the novel is, admittedly, rather long-winded and not always on topic, but it’s very conversational and absolutely full of snarky little comments and shots at the characters and events.

It’s probably my favourite part of the novel, but, again it’s not something that you can really convey on film, unless, perhaps, you’re going to include a Wonder Years-esque voice over to keep up a running narration.

Which, honestly, doesn’t seem like a terrible idea…

Anyway, back to the movie. Like we’ve established, it’s an adaptation of the original novel. In much the same way Star Wars is an adaptation of samurai movies.

Notably, however, the scene where d’Artagnan gets challenged to a duel by all three Musketeers in the span of about fifteen seconds is still present in the film and presented on screen with only minimal changes. Makes sense; it’s one of the best scenes in the book.

Even though the plot has only about a 3% connection to the source material, the main characters are all how they’re supposed to be: d’Artagnan is young, hot-blooded and constantly picking fights, Athos is grim and stoic, Aramis is well-read and constantly trying to seduce married women, and Porthos is jocular but vain and self-absorbed.

On the other hand, primary antagonist Cardinal Richelieu is downgraded from ruthlessly pragmatic master of realpolitik to cackling, moustache-twirling supervillain, played by Tim Curry in a rare villainous role (I’m pretty sure I’ve already made that joke before when I was talking about Muppet Treasure Island…). Basically, in the book, Richelieu is antagonistic, but not evil. He may be at odds with the Musketeers, but he genuinely has France’s best interests in mind (as you’d perhaps expect from the Prime Minister of France). In fact, he actually works with the Musketeers at certain points in the novel.

Similarly, Rochefort — the Darth Vader to Richelieu’s the Emperor — is changed from a worthy opponent to the Musketeers who ultimately ends up allied with them to … a moustache-twirling supervillain. He has no depth, gets not character development, and exists primarily to be defeated in a big, awesome climactic sword fight.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing.

Simplifying the story and the characters is inevitable while changing a 700ish-page novel to an hour-and-three-quarters movie.

But if, for some reason, you’re really passionate about the integrity of Alexandre Dumas’s original stories, you should probably not watch this movie…

An unrolled reel of film.
If you don’t want to watch the film, you could always watch this film
Photo by Skitterphoto on Pexels.com

Aside from the fact that absolutely nobody is even remotely trying to be French — or even acting all that hard, for that matter — the casting is pretty good. Kiefer Sutherland is getting some solid practice in for Jack Bauer as Athos, Tim Curry is turning in … every Tim Curry performance ever, Charlie Sheen somehow manages to be simultaneously horribly miscast and absolutely perfect as Aramis, Chris O’Donnell delivers d’Artagnan’s youthful exuberance and hotbloodedness, and while Oliver Platt doesn’t really look big enough to be Porthos, he absolutely nails the swaggering, boastful, “I’m BFFs with the Queen of America” (no, that sentence doesn’t make sense; yes, that’s the point) aspect of the character.

Also, he fights a ninja for reasons that are never made entirely clear…

To recap: bad adaptation, good historical(ish) action movie. Excellent way to pass an afternoon.

An arm and hand giving a thumbs-up.
Photo by Donald Tong on Pexels.com

So, on a scale of F- to 10, I give Disney’s The Three Musketeers a score of “Crunchtacular” out a possible “Platonic Form of Action Movie”.

… Yeah. I think I need to work on my rating system, which, incidentally, I give a 6 out of a possible A+++.

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