As someone from not-Europe, the Eurovision Song Contest fascinates me. It’s prominent enough that we get clips of it every year, but I feel like I’ve always been missing some context, because, uh, I have questions.

What is happening?

How does the scoring work?

I am supposed to enjoy this seriously or ironically?

Is the Will Ferrell movie a parody or a documentary?

Why is Australia in Euro-vision?

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The Eurovision I have the clearest memory of — albeit following tangentially and largely second-hand via the BBC website — is 2006. That year was also my first introduce to Finnish Metal Band Lordi.

Sidebar: whenever somebody mentions “Lorde“, I always get really excited until I realise they haven’t said “Lordi”…

The band’s gimmick is basically “Kiss, Increased by a Factor of About Eleventy-Billion.” Kiss had flashy costumes and personalised face paint. Lordi have not only full-on Monster Movie costumes, but also surprisingly elaborate backstories for their stage personas. The band’s roster has changed over the years (they have been active since 1992) and it that time, they’ve had several non-specific monsters, a Vampire, an Evil Doll, a Mummy, a Minotaur, and I think at least one alien.

There’s probably an Octopus-Man in there somewhere…

I cannot imagine how uncomfortable it must be to do a full concert in those monster costumes. I’ve learned the hard way that I clearly have some really sensitive skin that does not like being exposed to synthetic chemicals. Like, I’m pretty sure I’m having an allergic reaction just thinking about what does prosthetics would do to my skin.

So, I guess I’ll have to cross “Heavy Metal Octopus-Man” off my list of possible career options…

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But, anyway, Eurovision 2006: where a Hard Rock band from a country that had never been in the top five, with a completely ridiculous premise, singing a song about how awesome Hard Rock music is in the most bombastic manner possible stepped onto stage in Athens.

And then they won. Not just “won”. They set what was at the time the record for most points scored in the contest.

Actually, the lyrics for Hard Rock Hallelujah turned out to be shockingly prescient:

The true believers, thou shall be saved
Brothers and sisters, keep strong in the faith
On the day of Rockoning it’s who dares, wins
You will see the jokers soon’ll be the new kings.

Lyrics via Genius.

I would not be surprised with Hard Rock Hallelujah was at least partly inspired by how frustrating it must be for Lordi to constantly justify themselves. “Heavy Metal Monster Band” is probably a tough sell for a lot of people, but they believed in themselves, committed to their bit, and stuck with it long enough to win Eurovision in decisive fashion.

Incidentally, that’s how the music video basically plays out: goth girl bullied for liking Lordi has last laugh when the band invades her school and gives her an army of Heavy Metal Zombies to devour her enemies.

We should all be so lucky.

FYI: Hard Rock Hallelujah is still not the most preposterous song about how awesome Metal is I’ve ever heard…

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And, well, ladies & gentlemen, the song that won Eurovision 2006:

The Music to Write Realmgard to Playlist is here:

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