So, this is, I think, the third time I’ve a Realmgard-in-Space story:
Though, full disclosure, I mostly just wrote this as an excuse to have a character say “Beep, boop, blorp. I am a robot.”
“Halt,” the security robot says. “This is a restricted area. Please present your identification.”
“Um,” Kathryn Starstone offers. “You don’t need to see our identification.”
“All individuals attempting to enter a restricted area must present identification,” the security robot says.
“That didn’t work, Captain,” Amarantha notes.
“I have an idea!” Dunstella exclaims, hurrying back up the ramp of the ship.
“So,” Kathryn ventures, turning back to the security robot, “what have you thought of the weather lately?
“This unit is not programmed to assess meteorological conditions,” the robot answers. “Additionally, this station is climate-controlled to maintain a set temperature and humidity level.”
Dunstella comes running back down the ramp. She has a colander over her head and, as usual, Kathryun isn’t quite sure what her little sister is up to.
Dunstella stops in front of the security robot.
“Beep, boop, blorp,” Dunstella declares in a monotone voice. “I am a robot.”
She peers up through the colander on her head at the security robots.
“Greetings, fellow robots,” she says. “Let us in please.”
“Unidentified Unit,” the security robot says, “are you authorised to enter this restricted area?”
“… Yes,” Dunstella answers from beneath her colander. “I mean, um, beep, boop, blorp.”
“What is your serial number?” the security robot asks.
“Um…” Dunstella says tentatively as Kathryn starts reaching for her laser pistol. “Beep, boop, blorp. My serial number is, um, 12.”
“Acknowledged,” the security robot says. “Welcome to the station, Unit Number 12. My databases indicates that you are therefore a Heavy Artillery Battle Unit.”
“Um, yeah,” Dunstella says. “I mean, um, beep, boop, blorp. I am that thing you just said.”
Dunstella steps towards the door.
The security robot steps back in front of Kathryn and Amarantha.
“Heavy Artillery Battle Unit Number 12,” the security robot asks. “Do these humans have authorisation to accompany you into the restricted area?
“Yes,” Dunstella answers. “They are my, um, pit crew.”
“Wait. That’s it? That worked?” Kathryn exclaims.
“Yes,” the security robot says. “The parameters of my security protocols have been satisfied. Robots are not programmed to be capable of deception. Heavy Artillery Battle Unit Number 12 must therefore be telling the truth. Furthermore, as humans have no electronic components, there is no reason for them to be making beep, boop, blorp noises.”
“Uh huh,” Kathryn says sceptically.
“Beep, boop, blorp. Humans, am I right?” Dunstella asks.
The security robot sighs. “This unit is not programmed to deal with human interactions and emotions. It makes me sad.”
“Well, see you later,” Kathryn says. “Don’t let anyone touch my ship while we’re gone”
“Acknowledged,” the security robot says.
The door slides open and Kathryn, Amarantha, and Dunstella step through.
“Wow,” Kathryn mutters as the door closes behind them. “I cannot believe that worked…”
“Yeah,” Dunstella says, still wearing the colander over her head. “And this thing is actually pretty comfy. Plus, if we’re going to need to headbutt something, I bet I’m going to be, like, at least 35% more effective at headbutting.”
“Just, uh, remind me to wash that thing before I have to cook something,” Kathryn says.
Reminder, latest chapter here:
Preview of the next story on Friday.
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