Embarrassing/unfitting name — whether first or middle — is probably one of my main comedic fallbacks while writing Realmgard.
Here’s what happens when two such characters meet.
Captain Goblinbeard and Dunstana have been working together a lot lately. So, once again, Kat and Billie Hawkins are standing aboard the deck of Goblinbeard’s ship the Falchion.
Kat isn’t going to rethink her longstanding aversion to actually being a pirate, but she might be coming around on working with pirates. Billie in particular is probably the closest thing Kat is ever going to have to a pirate role model. The two have plenty in common, not least of all that the biggest part of their job seems to be tailing after a tiny, lunatic pirate captain and steering them away from certain disaster.
As the Falchion sails on, Kat and Billie are leaning on the gunwale, watching the waves roll by.
“So, Billie,” Kat asks the Half-Elf pirate. “That’s short for something, yeah?”
“Something embarrassing like Billiana, or Bilhelmina, probably,” Kat continues.
Billie’s blush deepens.
“Yes,” the pirate mutters as a blush creeps into her cheeks.
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to make fun of you, or anything,” Kat explains. “I mean, I get the whole name-you-hate thing?”
“What’s so bad about Katherine?” Billie asks.
“Katherine’s fine,” Kat answers. “It’s not my first name that’s the problem. But, uh, well, my middle name is um…” Her voice falls to barely a whisper. “… it’s Hortensia.”
“Oh,” Billie says. “Oh dear.”
Moved with compassion, she pulls Kat into a tight hug and reassuring rubs her back.
“My full name is Uiliema,” Billie says.
“Oh,” Kat says, wiping away a single tear. “I’m so sorry.”
“You’re a strong young woman,” Billie tells her. “You can get through this.”
“Yeah,” Kat says. “I believe in you, Billie Hawkins.”
Kat and Billie pull away and go back to leaning on the gunwale.
“Wow,” Kat says. “No wonder you go by Billie.”
“I’ve never met anyone who really understood what it feels like to have a name like Uiliema,” Billie says. “Mostly, people just point and laugh…”
“Yeah,” Kat agrees. “Part of me thinks Hortensia isn’t even a real name, and this is just some kind of prank my parents are playing.”
“Well,” Billie says. “Uiliema is actually a name. And one that’s shockingly common in my mom’s side of the family. I don’t know why, either.”
“It’s one of life’s great mysteries, I guess,” Kat offers. “You know, like, why do bad names happen to good people?”
“A riddle for the ages,” Billie agrees,
“Or why little sisters happen to good people,” Kat muses, glancing over her shoulder at Dunstana, who is currently trying to balance her wooden sword on her nose.
“I wouldn’t know,” Billie says, “I’m an only child.”
“I’m doing it!” Dunstana exclaims, her sword perched precariously on her nose. “I’m doing it!”
“I never doubted you for a minute,” Dunstana’s crew member Abrams calls. “Williams did, though.”
“I did not!” Williams protests.
Dunstana snatches her sword from the tip of her nose and returns it to her belt. In the process, her gaze falls on Billie and Kat.
“Aww,” she says. “They’re friends!”
Billie Hawkins be like:
Via Tenor.
Reminder the first — new chapter has gone live:
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