Copyright
J.B. Norman
“Somebody,” Dunstana explains to her sister, “snuck up onto the roof of the Porthaven Brotherhood of the Coasts guildhall and hung up a big sign that says ‘The Pirates of the Brotherhood of the Coasts Are All Big, Stupid Jerks Who Smell And Are Stupid.’”
“Wow,” Kat mutters. “He said stupid twice.”
Dunstana leans in towards her sister with a conspiratorial whisper.
“Don’t tell anyone, but we’re actually all kind of impressed me managed to fit that many words on one sign,” she says.
“I don’t see how this is any of my business,” Kat notes. “I mean, hey, I don’t like pirates, either.”
“Yeah, but you’re more like Grr, I’m angry and resentful my Dad wants me to be pirate but I want to be my own woman, grr. and not, like, full-on I’m going to put up a mean sign to hurt everybody’s feelings,” Dunstana says. “But, seriously, Kat. Face-Shooter Pete has been so upset and he’s been crying all morning!”
“The Brotherhood thought we could hire you to investigate,” Dunstana tells her sister.
“Pass,” Kat declares.
“We’ll pay you,” Dunstana adds. “Salty Jenkins says this is a big enough deal that we’re going to go into the Brotherhood Local Emergency Fund to—”
“Deal,” Kat declares.
“Okay,” Dunstana says. “Right now, our two number one suspects are Old Man Senex von Gamling.”
She points over to where a very wizened, very old, like very retired pirate is gently rocking in a chair on the porch of the guildhall.
“Him?” Kat asks. “He’s ninety-seven years old!”
“I miss my wife,” the old pirate mutters as he rocks.
“Yeah, but he’s very vocal about not liking a lot of the changes the Brotherhood has been making to the rules lately.”
She frowns.
“Still, he usually just gives long speeches during our meetings. In fact, he just gave a long speech about what the scoundrel the guy who hung up that sign was.”
She shrugs.
“But I thought maybe that was just because that was exactly what he wanted us to think.”
“And who’s the other suspect?” Kat asks.
“Oh, it’s Jehan-Picard Souricier.”
“Is he the guy everybody hates?”
Despite her best efforts, Kat has spent enough of her life adjacent to the affairs of the Brotherhood of the Coasts to have picked up something about the various rivalries that exist between Realmgard’s pirates. And this Souricier guy has seemingly gone out of his way to make an enemy out of every single pirate in the Brotherhood.
“Oh, yeah!” Dunstana says. “He’s the worst! At the Brotherhood meetings, he always says something like Hey, Kid? Where’s your parents? Are you lost? and then puts stuff up the highest shelf. Plus, he eats real garlicky food and then breathes all over everybody. Plus, he agrees with Ragnar the Contrarian.”
Kat points to the insulting sign still draped over the facade of the Brotherhood guildhall.
“Also,” she notes, “he put his signature on the sign. So, yeah, I’d say he’s your prime suspect.”
“Oh, geez,” Dunstana says. “How did we not notice that?”
She flings her hands up in disbelief.
“Come on, guys! It was right there!”
She turns to the old pirate in the rocking chair on the porch.
“Sorry, Mr. von Gamling,” she says, her voice dropping with each word. “You know, for blaming you. And then suggesting… that the Brotherhood… had you… um, keelhauled.”
“He’s ninety. seven. years. old, Dunstana!”
“I just like keelhauling people, is all,” Dunstana mutters.
FYI: That header image isn’t ideal as a stand-in for Old Man Senex. He’s far too hale and robust. But, again, there are only so many choices when using free stock photos — and searching “old pirate” didn’t really help.
Incidentally, both “Senex” and “Gamling” mean ‘old man’, which is why one of the Rohan warriors in Lord of the Rings famous for being an old man is named Gamling (though worth noting names in Lord of the Rings in translated into English — Old English, in the case of Rohan — for the benefit of the readers, so his ‘real’ name is something else; it’s kind of a long story)
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