Now that I’ve concluded running through all my Realmgard stories, here’s every single chapter I’ve written so far.
Fryte’s Gold
Chapter 1
“Dunstana is not a normal little girl.
Normal little girls don’t pretend to be reasonably successful pirates. But, then, strictly speaking, neither does Dunstana.
She is a reasonably successful pirate.”
Chapter 2
“Sometimes, it’s hard to have a pirate for a little sister. It has, on various occasions, led Kat to get stuck waist-deep in a swamp, covered in spiders, or chased by furious hogs. There was also that time she got bit by a spider while being chased by hogs through a swamp. She still isn’t entirely sure how that happened.”
Chapter 3
“She just knows that something horrible is waiting to horribly eat her.
A Dragon, probably. Or a Turboshark. Or a Dire Marmot. Or any number of other nasty things. As Kat and Dunstana make their way deeper and deeper into the cave, it gets darker and darker.
Kat is starting to worry that she’ll end up walking right into the Dragon’s mouth without knowing it.”
Chapter 4
“It is a distinct possibility, Kat decides, that this nasty fellow is the Powers’ chosen Right Honourable King of All Rats.
He certainly looks the part. The tuft of white fur on his head even looks like a crown.”
Chapter 5
“The Journals, Memoirs, Records, and Assorted Marginalia of Captain Jonathan Fryte, Esq., Having been Set Down in Writing by the Man Himself for Perpetuity, Volume 1.”
Chapter 6
Kat sighs wearily.
Why does Captain Fryte hate her?
Chapter 7
“The room behind the doors is a large circle with a domed ceiling. A beam of light shines down through a circular opening in the middle of the dome, illuminating what could be called, without any exaggeration whatsoever, a mountain of gold.”
Chapter 8
“Where was he hiding a Dragon?”
Chapter 9
“And if you will turn your attention to the floor, you will see a fiery chasm.”
Chapter 10
“You can boast of being the first to ever claim any portion of Fryte’s gold.”
Chapter 11
“But if a Dragon tries to eat us again, you’re on your own.”
Epilogue
“Who’s Captain Fryte? Seriously, Ginger? I must have told you all about it at least a million times! Wait here.”
The Treasure of Oake Island
Chapter 1
Art by me.
“The field of archaeology, as Dunstana understands it, involves digging around in ancient ruins, or lost cities, or haunted mines, or other places that haven’t had people in them for hundreds and hundreds of years. That makes Uncle Jonas sort of like a pirate—only not at all like a pirate.”
Chapter 2
“DANGER: PIRATES AHEAD.“
Chapter 3
“Stupid bush.”
Chapter 4
“Look out! Bees!”
“They’re hornets!“
Chapter 5
“As she enters the cave at the centre of Oake Island, Kat expects to see a few things typical of most of the caves she’s explored in her time as an adventurer: cold, damp air; moss on the walls; mushrooms—possibly glowing in weird colours—on the ground; water dripping steadily off somewhere in the distance, bats hanging from the ceiling; spiders scurrying all over the place; weird, slimy lizards…
As it happens, they find none of those things.”
Chapter 6
“He devoted his entire life to tracking down William Newgate’s treasures before anyone else could steal it away from our family. But he’s too old now to keep looking, so he gave me the diary and his ship. He’s trusting me to find the treasure. I can’t let him down.”
Chapter 7
“Kat peers down to the lower walkways. She sees Dunstana, Jonas and the person whom she assumes is the captain of the Red Wolves being pursued up the walkways by a ginormous crab-thing.
She remains cautiously optimistic about the situation. It could, she decides, be worse. The crab could be even ginormous-er.
Or it could be two ginormous crab-things.”
Chapter 8
“Captain Kid, you’re a genius!”
Chapter 9
“But can we even say luck is a thing, at all? What if we’re just cast adrift in a cold, uncaring universe and everything is just some meaningless cosmic accident? But in such a cosmos, could we not create our own meaning and purpose?”
Epilogue
“Yeah. That’s great. I love you too, man.”
The Bandits of Goldharbour
Chapter 1
Art by me.
To the Carleton University College of the Humanities Class of 2013.
Please, don’t take this dedication of a book
about pirates and burglars as an insult.
Chapter 2
Make-up? Tasteful.
Nails? Elegant.
Hair? Immaculate.
Dress? The very latest fashion.
Chapter 3
Meanwhile, Dunstana has wandered into her own personal paradise, a magical place called the Ninety-Third Annual General Assembly of the Brotherhood of the Coasts, Box Social, and Sharky Awards.
Chapter 4
“Oh no! It’s the Bandits!” one of the people on the patio exclaims.
“Good heavens!”
“Oh, not again,” a particularly unfortunate citizen of Goldharbour mutters.
Chapter 5
“Both of you! Just shut up and let me rob you!”
Chapter 6
“However, we are, unfortunately, approaching the conclusion of this year’s Brotherhood Awards.”
Dunstana doesn’t really think that’s actually such a bad thing.
“And afterwards, as always,” Plaid Jack continues. “There will be cake.”
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
This kind of running is not part of Amara’s daily routine.
There is, she is coming to realise, a very good reason for that.
It is a nasty, brutish, uncomfortable and utterly plebeian thing to do.
Chapter 9
“Fustigate that wretch.”
Chapter 10
She does not dream of Bandits. She does not dream of pirates.
She does not dream of eyebrows. She does not dream of best friends, or little sisters, or vacations gone crazy.
She simply sleeps the deep and dreamless sleep of heroes.
Epilogue
“Fortunately for you two, the practices of keelhauling and judicial catapulting have been suspended pending an appeal to the Court of Magistrates.”
The Valley of Appraisal
Chapter 1
She can understand the point of the things like the physical wellness test, the memory test, the colour-blindness test, and the weapons handling certification, and even why she had to draw a diagram on where to stand to shoot an arrow at a dragon flying 100 feet above and 50 feet to the right.
She’s less clear on why she had to play checkers against a chicken, or why she had to supply four character references, or demonstrate her financial good standing with the Bank of Porthaven, or stack and unstack a bunch of circles on different sticks, or play checkers against a chicken again.
Chapter 2
Kat can’t help but smile at the fact that her mom arranged pieces to bacon to spell out Good luck, Kat!
Chapter 3
It’s the perfect adventuring belt for Kat.
“I like it,” Estelle declares.
“So do —” Dorian begins, his voice trailing off when he catches sight of the price tag. If they’re paying for quality, this must be the best belt in history.
“She’s lucky we love her,” he mumbles, reaching for his wallet, which is about to get a whole lot lighter.
Chapter 4
“The Guild Authority of Porthaven hereby advises Applicant
that in the event of Applicant knowingly providing
fraudulent information to the agents of the Guild Authority
of Porthaven, Applicant shall be prosecuted to the fullest
and most severe extent of the laws of Porthaven —
including, but not limited to, hard labour, keelhauling,
and catapult.”
Chapter 5
“Hey, Scarlet,” Kat asks. “Is it just me, or is the corn moving?”
Scarlet begins to scan the cornfield for any signs of anything out of the ordinary.
“And I think it just sneezed,” Kat notes, glancing towards where she thinks the faint, but unmistakable achoo! came from.
“No, it didn’t,” a voice from the corn insists feebly. “It was your imagination.”
Chapter 6
Obviously, there’s some trick waiting for her, she just isn’t sure what it is.
Chapter 7
Climbing a rope, of all things, is a chore at the best of time.
Chapter 8
“See that tower? There’s a bell at the top. Ring it, and your exam will be finished.”
Chapter 9
“Is it a carrot cake?” Kat asks cautiously.
Chapter 10
“Who the heck is Kade Dirkson?”
Epilogue
“Come back here, you!” Kat hears Dunstana yell. “That was my corn!”
Next, Kat hears a sound she did not expect to hear.
“Bawk!”
Her curiosity getting the best of her, wondering just why her sister is apparently fighting a chicken, Kat comes around the corner.
Forward, the Lyte Brigade
Chapter 1
Eventually, he had what he thought was a brilliant idea: going to a print shop to have a hundred posters printed to hang up around town announcing the triumphant return of the Lyte Brigade.
He had a brilliant idea. What he has now is mostly just a headache.
Chapter 2
What was supposed to happen was that people would come for the sandwiches and stay to join the Lyte Brigade. What is happening is that people are coming for the sandwiches, staying to eat the sandwiches, completely ignoring the posters, and then leaving — and helping themselves to a couple more sandwiches on the way out.
Chapter 3
Thanks to her new status as one of its members, Matilda is confident that the Lyte Brigade will become the very best guild in Porthaven.
She has been trying to work up the courage to tell her father about her sudden career change. So far, results have been mixed.
“I can do this. I can do this. I can do this,” Matilda tells herself, as she takes a step towards the kitchen.
She promptly falters and quickly retreats.
“Nope. I can’t do this.”
Chapter 4
“I am Amara Valda,” the Elf says. “I wish to register as a member of your guild.”
“There’s a form you need to fill out,” Nolan says. He learned his lesson from his previous quest for his wayward clipboard, so he has taken to keeping several copies of the guild forms in his shirt pocket.
Chapter 5
“What is happening over there? I think the bust of Cousin Eleutherius is about to fall off its plinth!”
Chapter 6
Falcata nods. “Thank you. Though, I should warn you that I have never ‘hung out’ before.”
She makes an attempt at leaning casually against the bar, though her slow, measured deliberateness ruins the effect.
“Am I doing it right?”
“Close enough,” Matilda says.
Chapter 7
She leaps in triumph. before turning to her audience of siblings. “Well? Pretty cool, right?”
“Yeah!”
“Yeah!”
“No.”
“What do you mean no?” Matilda exclaims. “Go to your room, Sally!”
“Mom! Matilda’s being mean!” Sally wails, running into the inn.
Chapter 8
His mother stares at him thoughtfully, scrutinising every piece of his ensemble from his ruffled collar to the huge, gleaming buckles on his tall boots. “But it’s missing something, I think,” she decides.
In Tancred’s opinion, his outfit is a sartorial enormity of such magnitude that he cannot imagine what could possibly be added to it.
“Of course!” she declares. “A hat! Just the thing to complete the look.”
Chapter 9
“Hey, Falcata?” Pela asks to break the silence. “Can I feel your muscles?”
Falcata stares bemusedly at Pela.
“I’ve never met someone so muscly before,” Pela explains. “I’m curious.”
Falcata sighs and extend her arm towards Pela, who begins to gleefully poke and prod and squeeze and be generally in awe of Falcata’s arm.
“Wow,” Pela gasps. “It’s like an oak branch.”
Chapter 10
“Oh, hush, Katherine. I’m perfectly well, thank you,” Amara says absently, her attention still devoted to appraising her friend’s mighty arms.
Epilogue
“Oh, a cookie!”
Charge of the Lyte Brigade
Chapter 1
Wulfbert the Handsome would like to tell you about the fiercest and best-looking bandit in not just all Realmgard, but the whole wide world of Terrace.
It’s him.
Chapter 2
Amara and the Lyte Brigade’s dauntless Captain Nolan are now sitting face-to-facial hair with the eminent Sir Chiswick himself, he of the equally-eminent moustache. Sufficiently eminent, perhaps, to comfortably house a family of four.
Chapter 3
“I—How did—W-what?” Tancred stammers. “Did you lose that first game on purpose? Did you just hustle me?”
Sally nods, hops down from the table, scoops up Count Bunnyescu, waves, and cheerfully skips out of the room.
Chapter 4
“Nolan, honey, don’t forget to pack a sweater!”
Chapter 5
“What is happening over there? I think the bust of Cousin Eleutherius is about to fall off its plinth!”
Chapter 6
“Here to wish us luck?”
“Actually, I was cleaning out all the unsold inventory in Grandpa’s store. I found this. It looks like a spell book,” Kat says, holding out an old book towards Amara. “He said I could have it. I figured you might be able use it. So, here you go.”
Amara leafs through the pages of the spell book. “Talk to Small Bears? Well, that’s… oddly specific.”
Chapter 7
“We’re doomed,” Matilda mutters as she watches the sorry spectacle unfold, not helped by Tancred promptly tripping over a barstool as Sally looks on and giggles.
“I think we should stay positive,” Pela offers.
“Exactly. I’m positive we’re doomed,” Matilda replies.
Chapter 8
“Stop that! You’re a unicorn! You’re supposed to be a graceful, elegant creature. Yet here you are chewing on one of my friends like… like a common goat!”
Chapter 9
“Anything out there?” she hears one of the bandits ask as he walks into view.
Pela and Melisa freeze as a second bandit approaches and peers into the gloom towards them. Pela tries to hide in Melisa’s fur. Melisa tries to act like she’s just a regular badger.
“Just a raccoon,” the second bandit calls back to his companion.
Chapter 10
“Besides, I’ve always wanted a raccoon hat.”
Wulfbert raises his sword. As it comes screaming down, Nolan leaps forward, catching Wulfbert’s sword on his own and pushing it back.
“She’s a badger,” he says.
“Wow,” Matilda says watching her brother intercept the bandit leader’s sword. “I didn’t think he had it in him.”
To be fair, neither did Nolan.
Chapter 11
“What are you doing?” Jimmy asks the tall Elf.
“Praying,” she answers, half-opening her eyes to peer at him. “That Parthene may bring this fight to an end without any serious injuries.”
He scoffs. “I’m Jimmy the Rake! You’re going to have to pray pretty hard to get out of this without getting hurt.”
“No. Not me,” she says, rising from her knees and unfurling herself to her frankly bemusing full height. “You.”
Chapter 12
“My elbows! What did you do?”
Chapter 13
“Maybe I am just a bully, but I’m only getting started bullying you.”
Chapter 14
“I’m proud of us,” Matilda says. “I—Nolan, are you crying?”
Epilogue
“Let me tell you what’s waiting for us in Porthaven.”
The Alchemist of Middlesbrooke
Chapter 1
The three adventurers stand in front of the old house, erstwhile home of the erstwhile Baron Pollux Castor, the reason the three adventurers have travelled to Middlesbrooke. The house has been bequeathed to Apolline by the Baron, her great-uncle. Thinking about it, Lucia wonders just what she did to make Great-Uncle Pollux so angry at her to deserve this.
Chapter 2
Roland’s face lights up and he reaches for his shopping bag. “I think I can help with that,” he declares, reaching into the bag and laying out a couple of pouches of charcoal and sand from the Wandering Coast, four scoops of Skremmler’s Combustible Powder, and a Valico cheesesteak sandwich.
“It’s in here somewhere,” he mutters.
“Those are all alchemy supplies,” Celeste notes. “But what’s that for?” She points to the sandwich.
“Lunch,” Roland answers, continuing to rummage through the bag.
Chapter 3
“We almost got hired by a goatherd looking for help with his flock,” Petra tells her.
“He even offered to pay us in advance,” Lucia adds.
“But only in goat cheese,” Apolline concludes.
Chapter 4
“You know, the lab. Well, really, Uncle Chuck’s lab. But, like, he never uses it for alchemy. I think the last Duke had it built as a torture hole, or something.”
Chapter 5
“Do you smell mint?” she asks. “Oh no. I think that’s catnip.”
Chapter 6
“Gentlemen,” Alveric says to his mercenary recruits — though it is far and away exactly the wrong word for grizzled veteran mercenaries and pirates with such lovely names as Leif the Axe, Axe the Blade, and Big, Huge Leroy.
Chapter 7
“Well,” Alveric von Strom says to himself. “That was not how I expected this to go.”
Perhaps there’s more to this highwayman racket than he thought.
Chapter 8
“Isn’t he just giving away his next move by yelling out his attacks like that?”
Chapter 9
“You?” Alveric asks, staring at Roland with his mouth agape. “You’re an alchemist?”
“I know, right?” Lucia exclaims.
“But I’m an alchemist!” Alveric exclaims. “You’re a disgrace to our profession!”
“I thought you were a highwayman,” Roland notes.
“Yes, yes. A man can be more than one thing. But you? You look like a shaved mountain ape,” Alveric continues. “Do you really have the brain power for alchemy? Or even the opposable thumbs?”
Lucia gasps. That is going too far.
Chapter 10
“Does the name Alveric von Strom mean anything to you?” Apolline asks.
“He’s a fellow member of the Alchemical Society. Did the bandits come after him, too?” the old man asks.
“Ah, no,” Apolline mutters.
“He was the bandits,” Lucia says. “He came after us because he didn’t want you to get your alchemy supplies.”
Chapter 11
“There’s a rat!” Alda cries, burying her face in her brother’s shoulder. “There’s a big, gross rat!”
“Don’t worry,” Lucia says, tracking the large furry shadow scurrying across the floor. “I got this.”
Epilogue
“Miss Petra. Lady Apolline. I am here, on behalf of Her Serenity the Duchess, allow me to present this congratulatory fruit basket.
Captain Goblinbeard
Chapter 1
Although short in stature, Captain Goblinbeard is lofty of reputation and presence. He carries himself as if he were fifty feet tall, commanding respect and attention by maintaining an aura of unadulterated and unfiltered pirate-ness bordering on the obsessive.
Chapter 2
“I don’t think I like the idea of my only child working as a pirate. It’s all so violent and intense. The swashbuckling, the keelhauling, the cutlasses, the disrespectful parrots! The general ill deeds and not-niceness! Grog! And all this shooting at each other with cannons!”
Chapter 3
“Teaching the next generation of pirates like that. She’s an inspiration. Oh, if only I’d had a mentor like her when I was young pirate.”
“Yeah,” the second pirate agrees. “Then you might have actually become a good pirate.”
“Yeah, then I would have – Hey!”
Chapter 4
“So, hey,” Kat says to the man at the stall. “You wanna buy forty-seven pounds of smoked salmon?”
“What am I going to do with forty-seven pounds of smoked salmon?” the man at the stall asks Kat.
“What am I going to do with forty-seven pounds of smoked salmon?” Kat counters. “You’re the fish guy!”
Chapter 5
“Sorry about that. Seagulls, right? They’re just so annoying! They’re always just squawking and squawking and they’re so loud and they just don’t stop. It’s the worst!”
Myra opens her mouth to respond, but nothing comes out.
“By the way,” Dunstana continues, “I’ve been thinking a lot lately. What does irony mean? That’s like when something is made out of metal, right?”
Chapter 6
“You’ll be fine. And if there’s sharks, Williams—”
“There’s sharks?” he gasps.
“Oh, don’t even worry about it. They’re more scared of you than you are of them,” Dunstana assures him. “Just open your jacket and make yourself look big.”
“That’s cougars,” Myra mutters.
Chapter 7
“I do believe we’re being boarded, Captain,” Jimena notes.
“Eh,” Dunstana says with a shrug. “We can take him. He’s, like, shorter than I am. And I’m a kid.”
Chapter 8
“I don’t like pirates,” Kat muses.
Chapter 9
Billie and Captain Goblinbeard watch as the other ship hoists a series of signal flags to relay a message to Goblinbeard and his crew.
“Goblin…”
The first set of flags are lowered and the next part of the message is raised.
“ …face…”
Billie has a bad feeling about this.
“…smells.”
Chapter 10
“I won’t let anyone hurt my mentor!” Dunstana cries, leaping down from her barrel. “Myra! Look out!” She whips out her cork gun.
Locking swords with Myra, Captain Goblinbeard risks a look over his shoulder to see Dunstana taking aim at Billie. He leaps back, disentangles himself from Myra, and flings himself into the air as Dunstana pulls the trigger.
“Nooooooooo!”
Chapter 11
“Now,” Myra says as she approaches him, “I know you’re not the one I’m supposed to be mentoring, but can I give you advice?”
Goblinbeard looks up at her.
“Talk to your daughter,” Myra says.
Epilogue
“But Dad knows a guy who knows a guy who boarded a ship captained by a guy who knows a guy who blew up a museum. And, well, when I mentioned it was for Dad’s birthday…”
She holds her green hand open, revealing an old, tarnished key.
“…he gave me the key and told me to talk to somebody named Sigismund von Bücherhaus. He’s supposed to be a famous book collector, or something. So, want to help me on a treasure hunt, Kat?”
Once again, that’s every Realmgard chapter so far, and I’ll be starting another Writing Exercise until basically Easter and I’ll hopefully have more concrete news to share when that’s done.
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