Even though she hasn’t been in a full-length story yet, I’m really enjoying Egeria’s “Southern Belle Amara; Really Likes Potatoes” character. I really need to get her in a real story ASAP…
Also, I really like the “Outwardly Nice, but Capable of Quiet Menace, and Will Absolutely Wreck You If Pushed” character type — but maybe that’s just because I really wanted to use the phrase “quiet menace”…
“Y’all done and gone made a rather imprudent decision,” Egeria says, striding forward. “Y’all went and upended Old Man Fitzburton’s cart. And I swore to him I’d keep his cart safe. So, y’all made a liar outta Egeria Sagittaria Valda. And that indignity just will not stand, sir.”
Her eyes narrow and her gaze becomes hard and steely.
“And worst of all, y’all spilled the blood of innocent taters! Y’all even know how many people them taters coulda fed? But they never got the chance. You brutes went and smashed ‘em! Y’all didn’t even stick ‘em in a stew, or nothing! What kinda monsters are ya?”
“Yeah, and?” one of the bandits scoffs. “What are you going to do about it? Y’all us to death?”
Egeria stiffens with indignation.
“I have y’all know that y’all is a perfectly acceptable vernacular colloquialism,” she says hotly. “And I’ll thank ya not to look down on me just on account of the turns of phrase I use. And it’s high time y’all learned that the greatest force on the Powers’ good earth is a Valda who’s got mad,” she declares. “And right now, I’m just mad as a hive of bees that’s been shook up with a stick.”
“Yeah, and?” the same bandit scoffs. “What are you going to do about it?”
“Well,” Egeria says. She points to the leftmost bandit. “First, I’m gonna shoot a fireball at that one.”
She takes a step forward.
“Course, I’m at the perfect angle to bank that fireball off that one and into the next two,” she declares. “You know, sorta like this.”
She flings a fireball before the bandits can react. It hits the first one and, just as Egeria said, careens into the next two.
Egeria takes another step forward.
“Course, now I’m mad,” she declares. “So I’m thinking —” She points to each of the bandits in the row in front of her. “— you’re gettin’ lightning’d, you’re getting’ a faceful o’ whirlwind, and you’re getting an icicle.”
The next three bandits fall exactly as described.
Egeria takes another step forward and she glowers at the bandit leader.
“And, well, as for you,” she says. “Falcata’s been sneakin’ up on you this whole time. So you’re about to get punched in the back o’ the head by an Amazon warrior.”
“Yeah, ri—” the bandit leader says with a smug grin, immediately interrupted by Falcata punching him in the back of the head as promised.
The final bandit, the youngest and smallest of the group shrinks back from Egeria as she approaches.
“Aww,” she says. “Ain’t you just the cutest little thing!”
“I g-guess,” the young bandit stammers fearfully.
“Fell in with a bad crowd, didn’t ya?” Egeria asks. “Well, good news, hun. Now’s your chance to get out from that bad crowd. Tell ya what, hun. You give up your bandity ways right this minute, and we’ll pretend we never met, right?”
“Yes, please,” the young bandit says.
“But you need to promise me something, hun,” Egeria continues.
The bandit nods eagerly.
“Now, from now on, you gotta promise me you’ll be nothin’ but upright and law-abidin’,” Egeria tells him. “And you must promise that you will never, ever harm another innocent tater as long as you live.”
“I promise!” the bandit says.
Egeria leans in close to him.
“If you so much as look a tater the wrong way, I’ll know.”
Be nice to potatoes, or Egeria will know, people.
Spy x Family: Wit Studio, CloverWorks, and Crunchyroll.
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