The most recent Realmgard story as of May 2025:
Once again, it’s Salvage Thursday in Porthaven.
As the pirates of Porthaven race to claim a month’s worth of salvage in the Porthaven Harbour, young pirate Dunstana Darkstone finds herself on a collision course with Captain Goblinbeard.
Yes, that’s his real name. No, he doesn’t actually have a beard.
As Captain Goblinbeard clashes with his new young rival, aspiring member of the Brotherhood of the Coasts Billie Hawkins follows closely as she strives to learn a thing or two under his mentorship. Meanwhile, Dunstana has a mentor of her own, joining forces once again with the captain of the Red Wolf Pirates Myra Morningstar.
While another piratical adventure unfolds at sea, Dunstana’s big sister Kat is having a bad day on land involving forty-seven pounds of smoked salmon, leading to an unexpected encounter with a strange Goblin girl with an impressive grudge against Captain Goblinbeard.
The Sisters Darkstone return for another adventure in the latest tale of Realmgard!
Chapter 1
Although short in stature, Captain Goblinbeard is lofty of reputation and presence. He carries himself as if he were fifty feet tall, commanding respect and attention by maintaining an aura of unadulterated and unfiltered pirate-ness bordering on the obsessive.
Chapter 2
“I don’t think I like the idea of my only child working as a pirate. It’s all so violent and intense. The swashbuckling, the keelhauling, the cutlasses, the disrespectful parrots! The general ill deeds and not-niceness! Grog! And all this shooting at each other with cannons!”
Chapter 3
“Teaching the next generation of pirates like that. She’s an inspiration. Oh, if only I’d had a mentor like her when I was young pirate.”
“Yeah,” the second pirate agrees. “Then you might have actually become a good pirate.”
“Yeah, then I would have – Hey!”
Chapter 4
“So, hey,” Kat says to the man at the stall. “You wanna buy forty-seven pounds of smoked salmon?”
“What am I going to do with forty-seven pounds of smoked salmon?” the man at the stall asks Kat.
“What am I going to do with forty-seven pounds of smoked salmon?” Kat counters. “You’re the fish guy!”
Chapter 5
“Sorry about that. Seagulls, right? They’re just so annoying! They’re always just squawking and squawking and they’re so loud and they just don’t stop. It’s the worst!”
Myra opens her mouth to respond, but nothing comes out.
“By the way,” Dunstana continues, “I’ve been thinking a lot lately. What does irony mean? That’s like when something is made out of metal, right?”
Chapter 6
“You’ll be fine. And if there’s sharks, Williams—”
“There’s sharks?” he gasps.
“Oh, don’t even worry about it. They’re more scared of you than you are of them,” Dunstana assures him. “Just open your jacket and make yourself look big.”
“That’s cougars,” Myra mutters.
Chapter 7
“I do believe we’re being boarded, Captain,” Jimena notes.
“Eh,” Dunstana says with a shrug. “We can take him. He’s, like, shorter than I am. And I’m a kid.”
Chapter 8
“I don’t like pirates,” Kat muses.
Chapter 9
Billie and Captain Goblinbeard watch as the other ship hoists a series of signal flags to relay a message to Goblinbeard and his crew.
“Goblin…”
The first set of flags are lowered and the next part of the message is raised.
“ …face…”
Billie has a bad feeling about this.
“…smells.”
Chapter 10
“I won’t let anyone hurt my mentor!” Dunstana cries, leaping down from her barrel. “Myra! Look out!” She whips out her cork gun.
Locking swords with Myra, Captain Goblinbeard risks a look over his shoulder to see Dunstana taking aim at Billie. He leaps back, disentangles himself from Myra, and flings himself into the air as Dunstana pulls the trigger.
“Nooooooooo!”
Chapter 11
“Now,” Myra says as she approaches him, “I know you’re not the one I’m supposed to be mentoring, but can I give you advice?”
Goblinbeard looks up at her.
“Talk to your daughter,” Myra says.
Epilogue
“But Dad knows a guy who knows a guy who boarded a ship captained by a guy who knows a guy who blew up a museum. And, well, when I mentioned it was for Dad’s birthday…”
She holds her green hand open, revealing an old, tarnished key.
“…he gave me the key and told me to talk to somebody named Sigismund von Bücherhaus. He’s supposed to be a famous book collector, or something. So, want to help me on a treasure hunt, Kat?”
I’ll be posting a recap (which is probably honestly a re-recap at least point) of all the Realmgard stories so far a little later today, and after that, I’ll be posting the first of my 30(ish) Writing Exercises that I’ll be doing between now and Easter.
Every Realmgard story so far is available for your reading pleasure here:
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