Writing Every Day in March: Day 27

“You can’t possibly ransom a Valda, much less Marcellinus Valdus’ firstborn daughter, for anything less than a full million!”

Today’s is basically a sequel to yesterday’s. Like I said, “Amara gets kidnapped by pirates” is a concept I’ve had for a while now. I’m not sure I have enough of said concept to get a full story out of, but there’s at least enough there for this sort of thing.


“Boss. I’m starting to think this whole ransom thing is more trouble than it’s worth,” one of the pirates says to the captain as they haul a thoroughly unimpressed Amara out of the broom closet they’ve been keeping her locked in.

“Deal with it,” the captain declares bluntly.

“But, Boss,” the first says. “She kicked me!”

“She bit me!”

“She kicked me, while biting me!”

“You’re pirates,” the captain notes. “And she’s, like, twelve. I’m pretty sure you can take her when she’s starts mouthing.”

Twelve?” Amara repeats hotly. “Is it your eyes that are lacking, or your brain?”

“Now,” the pirate captain tells Amara, “if you dear father doesn’t want to start getting you back in pieces, he’d better have half a millions marks ready for us.”

Amara scoffs. “My father will never pay that!

“He’ll pay what I tell him to pay,” the pirate captain declares.

Half a million marks? Are you mad?

The pirate captain dismissively waves his hand. “If you’re going to be difficult, I can go even higher.”

“Exactly!” Amara says.

The pirate captain blinks at her.

“Wait. What?”

“A mere half a million marks is, frankly, an insult!” Amara says. “You can’t possibly ransom a Valda, much less Marcellinus Valdus’ firstborn daughter, for anything less than a full million! And well, I don’t mean to brag, but I am Father’s favourite child. Of course, he would never admit it, especially not with Cyprian in earshot, but, really, one learns to see the signs.”

“A million it is, then,” the captain pirate says, hastily scrawling an amendment to his ransom note. “Take her back to the broom closet.”

The three pirates, futilely attempting to avoid yet more kicking and biting, manage to haul Amara back to the broom closet, toss her inside, slam the door shut, lock the door, then barricade the door with several large crates for added protection.

“I will have redress for this indignity!” Amara rants through the door. “Do you know who I am? I am Amara. Gemina. Valda. I will not suffer being locked in a broom closet like some common mop! And my vengeance will be swift and terrible!”

“That’s bad,” one the pirate mutters.

“Pain!” Amara vows through the door. “To be delivered novel and horrifying fashion. I will run you up a flagpole by your spleens! I will fold you into pretzels! I will make your backs frontwards! I will turn your rightsides upside down! Your entrails will be your extrails!”

“I think she’s finished,” one of the pirates offers.

There’s a loud bang that makes the pirates flinch as Amara hurls herself against the door.

Pain!

“Do you think she’s calmed down?” the second pirate asks.

The third pirate takes a tentative step towards the door.

“— and to boot,” Amara continues ranting through the door, “the stench of you mongrels! You all look like the wrong end of a mule and you have the smell to match!”

“No. I don’t believe she’s calmed down,” the first pirate muses.

“Stench? It must be one of you lot,” the second pirate protests indignantly. “I buy special soap from the Outlands Quarter!”

“Well,” the third offers. “Maybe that’s just because you smell the worst.”


As a young man, Julius Caesar was also kidnapped by pirates. He, too, was personally offended by being ransomed for too little money. Ultimately, after being ransomed, he promised that he’d come back to see all the pirates crucified.

Which, um, he did…

And FYI: I got that entrails/extrails line from A Knight’s Tale — which, honestly, I should probably make into a recommendation…

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