Over on my Threads page, I made post about how the initial English dub of Yu-Gi-Oh censored “Kill” to “Send to the Shadow Realm,” which still sounds pretty bad…
Which, in turn, inspired me to actually start rewatching the original Yu-Gi-Oh. Mostly, my big takeaway is that its presentation of the rules of the actual game and how it’s supposed to functionally work makes absolutely no sense, seems to change from episode to episode, and can never make up its mind of its a card game or an actual monster-fight.
Which is perhaps best exemplified by that episode where Yugi uses his Catapult Turtle to shoot his Dragon Dude into the other guy’s floating castle, causing it to plummet to the ground and crush all his Monsters — which is admittedly an entirely reasonable strategy in an actual battle against an actual floating castle, but is never implied to be even remotely possible in the context of the Duel Monsters game.
Copyright J.B. Norman
“This game makes no sense!” Kat cries, looking up incredulously from the cards in her hands.
“Pfft,” Dunstana scoffs. “You’re just mad that you triggered my hazard card and jealous that you don’t have any cool hazard cards in your deck.”
In a flurry of motions, justified by rules Kat doesn’t understand, Dunstana lays down another series of cards.
“You lose two thousand points. My Dark Wizard, the Black Magic Mage doubles his attack points, knows half of my other cards half as well as he should like; and he like less than half of them half as well as they deserve — but only half as much as he dislikes the half he doesn’t like, and even then, half of that half is twice as worse as the half he does.”
Dunstana takes in a deep breath.
“Also, I activate Multiball!”
“You didn’t even explain how to play!” Kat continues.
Dunstana scoffs again. “And whose fault is that?”
“Yours!”
“But also,” Dunstana continues, setting one of her cards on the table. “I use my Trebuchet Dragon—”
She points to the card with a picture of a dragon with a big catapult on its back.
“— to launch my Archelon, the Terrapin Lord at your Aeroburg, the Floating City.”
Kat stares blankly. “What?”
“So,” Dunstana continues. “That makes it fall down onto all your dudes.”
Kat stares blankly. “What?”
“And smoosh them.”
“What?”
Kath throws her hands up in utter disbelief, showering herself in her cards.
“And that means I win,” Dunstana declares. “’Cause I smooshed all your dudes.”
“What? How? Why?” Kat stammers, desperately looking for some more W words to hurl at her sister. “Which? W…ednesday?”
“Rookie mistake, Kat,” Dunstana explains. “You should have know that your Floating City’s obvious weakness was getting a big turtle shot from a catapult at it. Duh.”
Actually, she’s not really explaining anything.
“No I shouldn’t!” Kat protests. “In what world does that make sense? There’s nothing about that one of the cards!”
Dunstana rolls her eyes. “Kat, there’s an entire section about what happens when a turtle gets catapulted into a flying city in the rule book.”
She hefts the rule book onto the table and flips it open.
“See?”
Perhaps against her better judgement, Kat reaches for the book and turns it towards herself so she can read its alleged clauses on Catapult Dragons, Big Turtles, and Flying Cities.
Section 47.II-F: Whereupon Trebuchet Dragon is used to shoot Archelon, the Terrapin Lord at Aeroburg, the Floating City.
When Player 1 (One) uses the ability of the Trebuchet Dragon on Archelon, the Terrapin Lord against Player 2 (Two)’s Aeroburg, the Floating City, Player 1 (One)’s Archelon, the Terrapin Lord is removed from play.
Player 2 (Two)’s Aeroburg, the Floating City is considered to be destroyed by means of falling from the sky and onto the rest of Player 2 (Two)’s active cards.
Player 2 (Two) loses.
Duh.
What else did you think would happen when a flying city fell onto all your dudes, genius?
Kat groans, slumping in disbelief so thoroughly that she hits her head on the table.
“Did you just make this game up?” Kat asks her sister. “Is this all some crazy prank?”
“Okay,” Dunstana offers. “But wait until you read about what happens when Acidosios, the Vinegar Sovereign attacks Bicarbonastis, Master of Baking Soda.”
Kat groans again and starts hitting her head against the book.
“This. is. the. stupidest. game. in. the. world.”
Yes, Dunstana is paraphrasing Bilbo’s Birthday Speech, which I think perfectly encapsulates how convoluted and nonsensical everything else she’s saying is.
Also, “activate Multiball!” is one of my go-to ways to make a ridiculous situation even more ridiculous. Especially considering that the introduction of balls of some sort, apparently, doesn’t even make sense to begin with in this context…
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