Copyright J.B. Norman
With Mrs. Goblinbeard and the youngest Goblinbeard children off visiting family, Captain Goblinbeard and Lena have been invited to the Hawkins house for the Spring Festival. Despite her best efforts to warn her parents not to ask why the Captain’s name is Captain Goblinbeard despite not having even having a beard, Billie does not have high hopes.
At the Captain and Lena’s knock on the door, Mrs. Hawkins opens the door and beckons them into the house. As ever, a collection of little faience chickens look on from the little crockery hutch in the corner.
“Yarr, Miss Hawkins,” Captain Goblinbeard says. “Me daughter and I be much obliged for the most generous invitation to share in the Hawkins family’s Spring Festival Dinner.”
“We brought the goose,” Lena says, holding up the platter.
“Oh, how kind of you!” Billie’s mom says. “Please, come in, Mr. um… Captain.” She turns to Lena. “And, Miss, um… Captain.”
“You can just call me Lena,” the Goblin girl answers.
Captain Goblinbeard tips his hat as he steps in the house. “Thank ye kindly for welcomin’ us into yer lovely home to share in the Spring Festival with ye,” he says.
“We’re happy to have you, Captain,” Billie’s Mom says.
Soon, Mr. and Mrs. Hawkins are in the sitting room, sharing a bottle of port. Meanwhile, Lena is staring thoughtfully at Billie.
“Let me make sure I understand this right,” Billie says. “You are a pirate.”
Billie nods. “Yes.”
“But nobody else in your family is a pirate.”
Billie nods. “Yes.”
“But you are a pirate.”
Billie nods. “Yes.”
“Voluntarily?”
Billie nods. “Yes.”
“Why?” Lena asks. “Pirates are just like sand! They’re gross, annoying, and they’re everywhere! Why would you want t to be a pirate?”
She catches herself and coughs awkwardly into her elbow.
“Uh. No offence.”
“You sound like my mother,” Billie mutters.
She catches herself and coughs awkwardly into her elbow.
“Uh. No offence.”
“Let’s just agree to disagree,” Lena offers. “Let’s not ruin the Spring Festival by arguing. Besides, it’s not like you’re hurting anybody.”
She frowns.
“Except for all those people you probably hurt when you shoot them with your cannons…”
“Uiliema, dear,” Billie hears her mom call. “Dinner is ready.”
Soon, the Hawkinses and the Goblinbeards are seated at the dining room table around the roast goose brought by Captain Goblinbeard and Lena.
As they begin to eat, Billie watches her mother watching Captain Goblinbeard with a growing sense of dread. A chill runs through her as she watches her mother lean across the table to study Captain Goblinbeard’s face.
She opens her mouth to say something, anything to pre-empt the situation unfolding — commenting on the weather, or how moist the goose is, or a fact about the Ancient Eleven practices for the Spring Festival — but her mother speaks too quickly.
“So,” Billie’s mom notes. “Goblinbeard?”
“Oh no,” Billie mutters.
“I can’t help but notice, Mr. Captain —”
“Mom,” Billie groans, slapping her hand over her face in embarrassment, “don’t.”
“— that you don’t actually have a beard.”
Obligatory reminder that his legal name is, in fact, “Captain Goblinbeard.”
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