Now, Jaws is one of the most popular movies of all time (based on a book that while also quite popular, isn’t nearly as good) and the two best-known lines in said movie are likely “Smile, you son a – BLAM!” and “You’re gonna need a bigger boatt.”
Today, I shall be parodying the latter…
Also, I apologise for this one going live pretty late. LegendFiction is hosting another three-day flash fiction challenge (you may remember that I had a story published as a result of the previous one, Quilldrake) and I was prioritising getting my story for that done.
© J.B. Norman — Published by Emona Literary Services™
After an initial misunderstanding causing hostility between the two that spanned a couple of Salvage Thursdays, Dunstana and Captain Goblinbeard have actually been getting along pretty well. Their two crews have been working together for various piratical jobs in and around Porthaven.
“Have ye ever seen it, lass?” Captain Goblinbeard is asking Kat. “Have ye ever gazed into the oddly soulful eyes o’ the Small-to-Medium Anklebiter Shark?”
“Uh,” Kat mutters. “No. But, also, why am I the one scooping the fish guts?”
“Oh, easy,” Dunstana says, not turning away from where she’s gazing through her spyglass to scan the waters for the Small-to-Medium Anklebiter Shark. “You’ve got the longest arms, Kat. You reach right down to the bottom. The best bits all sink down to the bottom. Well, best for the Sharks.”
“Gross,” Kat mutters, scooping out another ladle of fish guts and tossing them overboard into the water.
“Now,” Captain Goblinbeard continues. “If tuna be the chicken o’ the sea, then the Small-to-Medium Anklebiter Shark be the…”
He falters and thoughtfully touches the stem of his purely decorative pipe to his chin.
“… I don’t know, the raccoon o’ the sea, or somesuch. Not near an outright menace, but a right proper nuisance.”
He thoughtfully touches his pipe to his chin again.
“But they do be good eatin’. Fried up real nice, bit o’ lemon juice. A right proper luncheon.”
“Eww,” Kat mutters again. Eating something called the raccoon of the sea doesn’t seem very appetising. She wouldn’t want to eat anything called the raccoon of anything.
As she continues to scoop out the fish guts, Kat stifles a yawn – and not just because she doesn’t want to get an accidental mouthful of fish guts. Boredly watching the drifting slick of fish guts behind the ship, Kat catches a sudden movement.
The water in the ship’s wake bursts in a shower of foam tinged with fish guts, causing Kat to frantically backpedal. She watches the shark’s leap, breaking the surface, turning in a graceful arc and splashing back down with a piece of fish guts that Kat isn’t too concerned on identifying properly in its jaws.
The creature is oddly cute for a shark: even smaller than Dunstana with a cute little face and, like Captain Goblinbeard said, big, strangely soulful eyes.
“Is, uh,” Kat asks, pointed with the fish gut ladle, “is that him?”
Dunstana turns towards Kat, still peering through her spyglass.
“Ow!” Kat cries as Dunstana’s spyglass whacks her in the back of the head.
“I see him! I see him!” Dunstana cries. “She’s moving behind that big black cloud!”
“That’s my ponytail, Dunstana!” Kat cries, ducking under the spyglass as Dunstana wildly turns to and fro.
The Goblin pirate nods gravely.
“Ye keep him busy,” Captain Goblinbeard instructs. “And I’ll get me reachin’ pole and a bucket what for to stick him in. We’ll relocate him to the estuary. Mayhaps he’ll meet a nice lady-shark and settle down.”
“Hmm,” Kat says thoughtfully. “I think we could have brought a smaller boat…”
FYI, people do eat Shark.
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