For those of you too young to remember the halcyon days of the late 80s-to-mid 90s, it was kind of a Wild West for the English-language translations of Japanese media like video games and anime, due to a combination of low budgets and a general sense of fidelity to the original not being particularly important.
This was the era that brought us such gems as: “You must defeat Sheng Long to stand a chance.”, “I am Error., “X-Men, welcome to die!”
And, of course, the one that inspired today’s scene, from Final Fantasy 1: “I, Garland, will knock you all down!“
© J.B. Norman — Published by Emona Literary Services™
“Hmm,” Tenebella mutters. “This is quite vexing.”
“You think?” Kat calls from somewhere off to the left.
With the burlap sacks shoved over their heads, it’s hard to know exactly where Kat is in relation to her. And with her wrists and ankles tied, it’s hard to turn towards the sound of her voice.
“Nevertheless,” Tenebella continues, “I remain optimistic and confident.”
“They tied us up and stuck bags over our heads!” Kat protests.
“I think mine had cardamom in it,” Amara notes. “You know, I quite enjoy the smell.”
“Seriously, Amara?” Kat cries.
“Well, Katherine, excuse me for trying to find the one silver lining in an otherwise horrible situation!” Amara cries back.
“Take heart. We shall soon be avenged,” Tenebella assures the others.
She smiles under the burlap sack over her face.
“In my heart of hearts, I know that right at this very moment, the Four Horsemen are preparing to leap to my rescue. It will only be a matter of time until—”
She turns her head in the direction that she hopes is where their kidnappers are located.
“— a Morfilodish Battle comes crashing through the far wall.”
Seated at a little table playing cards, the kidnappers exchange a worried gaze. With a silent nod to each other, they move their chairs and little table away from the wall.
“You know,” Amara muses. “This whole kidnapped thing really does lose its lustre a second time.”
She sighs.
“I just hope they’re demanding a large enough ransom this time. Being kidnapped is one thing, but I will not be insulted.”
“Priorities, Amara,” Kat mutters.
“What could be more important that the very honour of my family, Katherine?” Amara counters. “How do you think Countess Philerma will act when she hears when I was ransomed for a handful of coppers!”
“Quick,” one kidnapper says hastily to the other. “Add a couple zeroes!”
There’s a brief pause.
“Couple more!”
“That’s better!” Amara says.
“This sucks,” Kat groans. “My nose is itchy and I can’t even move my hands. And the ropes are digging into my wrists.”
“Who’s that one?” one of the kidnappers asks.
“Well, one’s some kinda princess. And the other one’s family has a lot of money.”
“Right. But what about the tall dude?”
“Hey!” Kat cries.
“I will will instruct Captain Ratsumies to be especially harsh in his chastisement of that one, Kat,” Tenebella assures her. “It shouldn’t be that much longer now.”
The two kidnappers cautiously eye the far wall.
When, suddenly, door is kicked open.
“Step away from m’lady!” Captain Ratsumies’ familiar voice thunder.
The two kidnappers stare in wide-eyed shocked.
“I shall offer you once chance to surrender,” Captain Ratsumies says.
The two kidnappers open their mouths to speak.
“Opportunity revoked! Therefore, I, Captain Ratsumies,” he declares – and Tenebella can only assume he is menacingly hefting his axe at he does – “will knock you all down!”
“What a strange thing to say,” one of the kidnappers mutters.
And then, right on cue, a Morfilodish Battle Boar comes crashing through the far wall.
Also, given that Kat, Amara, and Tenebella have literally been tied up, taken away, and held for ransom, here’s some obligatory Tom Petty:
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